I haven’t been on here to read or write my own post in some time. The reason behind it is simple, I did not want to face all of my problems and I wasn’t in a place where I could read about anyone else having a difficult time. It sounds like a cheap cop-out, but it’s honest. I’ve been hiding in my shell for the past few months. When I’m in my shell life pretty much just goes on while I stand back and watch passively.
The only thing that has kept me happy since my last post is my relationship with my boyfriend. Even work, which I know I love very much is not bringing me much pleasure. I’m coasting by and not really seeing anything. Everything just feels drab and gray.
I started going to a new place for therapy… well actually I am only in the beginning stages of doing so but props for trying right? They suggested a new diagnosis, though at this point I feel like I have heard it all. They agreed with my MDD but believe I could have Borderline Personality Disorder as well. I don’t know what that means, it scares the shit out of me and the more I read about it the more it makes sense which scares me more. So here I am, waiting 22 more days for the first real meeting with a clinician after intake and hoping that I make it that long.
The other day I broke down and told my boyfriend how suicidal I really am. He knew I had history of being suicidal but I have always kept him relatively in the dark about how deep it goes currently. This was even more painful than the conversation I had with my mother about being sexually assaulted/self-harm. We both cried for two hours and I felt so guilty.
I still feel guilty. Even more so after almost crashing my car. It was a standard young driver fuck up really. Slide on snow and brake instead of going with the drift. Braking caused me to go into a full spin and end up off the highway in a ditch. Miraculously I didn’t actually hit anything and I was fine minus needing to be towed out of the ditch. But emotionally, I am still not fine.
As I lost control of the car I accepted it. I was ready for whatever was coming to me. I remember thinking, “Well, this is it.” I was ready to crash. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I think most people leave a situation like that happy that nothing serious happened but I guess that’s how broken I am.
I’ve tried to kill myself in the past but this was something else. I’m scared and I don’t know how to leave this dark place.