T/W: Depression and Information about Suicide Attempts
Last night was a bad night for my mental health. Everything about the day had been average and nothing out of the norm but once I turned off the TV for the night and climbed into my bed for the night I started to dwell on my issues. That’s the worst part of the day for me because it quickly becomes the most dangerous part of the day. It has been in those hours of the night, when I am meant to be sleeping, that I have tried to take my life three times in the past.
The first was with prescription drugs and shortly after I doubted my intentions and made myself get sick. The second was also with prescriptions sleeping medicine, I did not take enough but I did pass out and somehow, I miraculously woke up. When I woke up I was in a rage and I lashed out at someone I had once been close with before I passed out again. The third time was shortly after my 21st birthday. I was drunk and had begun to doubt everything about my life again. I felt alone and miserable and i could not stop reliving my trauma and I cut myself very deeply in numerous places.
The night of the third attempt I did not try to stop the bleeding as I lay naked in my bed. I merely let myself fall asleep, or pass out, or whatever you would call it. I did wake up though and I was so scared. I was hungover, I didn’t know if I felt so awful because of the drinking or because of the harm I had physically caused my body.
I called my mother. And I have already written about how terribly that went. I never did get back into therapy after my last attempt, I saw my primary doctor and she put me on some medications but once my mother switched jobs we had a gap in our insurance for three months. I couldn’t afford the medication out of pocket so I stopped taking it. This didn’t affect me at first but lately, I am wishing that I could be taking my medication again and that I could be seeing a therapist.
My insurance is meant to be starting again. But therapy appointments are a tricky thing and it is often difficult to get an appointment. I will certainly try. I know how important it is to find someone to disclose these thoughts to in a clinical setting.
And so here I am after a night of sobbing into my pillow until five in the morning. I am exhausted and I feel feeble. I feel completely alone. I know that I am not alone, I know that I have people on my side. I know that my boyfriend supports me with more love than I have ever experienced. I know that my friends stay loyal to me. But what I do not know is how much love I can give to myself.